Freedom of Emotion

I’m SUPER upset right now. I am super upset with myself. I am upset that my emotional reactions are having impact on my life…I’m upset that it doesn’t happen as often as it needs to and I’m upset that it remains so inconsistent in my life that it doesn’t get the respect it deserves.

I. am. emotion.

I’m a condensed ball of laughter, tears, joy, heartache, passion, frustration, stubbornness, love and fierceness. I sometimes think that my depression is a result of NOT saying E-X-A-C-T-L-Y what I wanted to say for fear of losing something, some person or respect or authority or opportunity. And by all accounts I was actually losing myself, slowly, piece by piece.

When I was 12 I had a “boyfriend” (I use quotes because no one really has a boyfriend at 12, come on now) His name was Travis Howell. I was “in LOVE” with him (again, 12 year old) my friend Vanessa introduced him to me. He lived in Redmond and back then it was long distance to talk on the phone. One day when the $700 phone bill punishment was over, I was on my way to meeting him face to face.

He was gorgeous. Tall and blonde, and he wanted me, he actually wanted me. I was ecstatic. So much so that I felt comfortable letting his friend Mike know what I thought of his hat. I told him I didn’t like it and thought it was ugly.

That night Travis broke up with me. He said I was a hateful person and he never wanted to speak to me again.

Life. DESTROYED.

I believe it was then that I decided to keep my mouth shut. Purely and simply based on fear of rejection. Growing up a different color AND being adopted, all I ever wanted was to be normal and just like everyone else. (That phrase is funny in itself) If I started REALLY speaking my mind and let my emotion be expressed, that would make me stand out even more so, thus feeling much more lonely then I already always felt.

Now should Travis have defended his friend? YES! Should I have not used the term “ugly” YES! But for some reason I made that exchange to mean that I can NEVER say what I feel, thus also squashing the ability to learn from my mistake and just simply say, “I don’t like your hat” and that be the end of it.

What I’ve come to learn, but on the flip frustrates the hell out of me because I wish everyone has this ability and I wish I had it sooner, is that we as humans put meaning behind everything we do, say and think. Life just HAS to be about “meaning” and we tack on utter uselessness to things that don’t need it.

Well what if it doesn’t. What if what you say is ACTUALLY what you mean? WHAT A CONCEPT!!! I didn’t like Mike’s hat. That was it. No more, no less. I didn’t mean I didn’t like HIM, or his choice in accessories. It wasn’t an assault on Travis and who he chose as a friend. Wasn’t trying to be cute or funny, I just didn’t like the hat. So I’m a hateful bitch because I said how I feel? No wonder we as a society get shit twisted all the time, we only listen to the answers we want, not the answers that they are and expressing emotion is constantly labeled as “drama”

 

So go ahead and call me dramatic. Call me crazy and stupid to fully embrace the emotional ride I’m on. Tell me “well you can’t tell people what you think ALL the time” “You can’t tell the truth all of the time and just live by your heart without consequence”

And I agree to an extent. There is a balance, but I’ll tell you that a life spent worrying about what other people say is not a life I choose to live anymore. I’m going to say what I want to say, be clear on my intent and allow for others to ask me questions if they are searching for “meaning” in what I say. Where the frustration will come is when they don’t get the answer they want, and will only get the answer that it is, nothing more, nothing less.

Yea I said it.