Nothing devastates us more than loosing a loved one...nothing is worse than loosing you mom.
When I was little and woke up in the morning I used to say "mom" over and over. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear, just enough to get my voice working, then I would get out of bed and start the day. I wanted the first word out of my mouth to be that of my mom.
As I think back, its very symbolic.
Moms are the first. The first thing you encounter as a human. Dads are equally important and with out them there is nothing, but moms are the first. They carry you, they nourish you, they go through pain for you to be alive. They sacrifice their bodies and their minds to protect you and keep you. Dads have a different and equally important role as I said, but moms are the first.
I myself have mom issues because I'm adopted. I think that, why in the world would you do that to your self, to your mind and your heart just to give it all up?...but that's another story for another time.
However, even being adopted, moms are the first. Maybe you were adopted because she couldn't have kids, maybe you were adopted because you needed a good home and a good family, maybe you were adopted because your mom was like Angelina Jolie and just wanted as many babies as she could take care of...whatever the reason, mom was still first. She nurtured you, she held you, you were hers... regardless if she gave birth to you, you were HERS. Maybe more importantly, she was YOURS too.
So what happens when Mom, when your first person dies?
Life as you knew it, is over. Everything is different. Everything changes. You are not the person you were before. You are now a person with out a mom. And maybe you lost her when you were very young. Maybe you lost her when she was very old. Maybe you never even knew her, regardless, she does not exist. anymore. on this plain we call life. You will never talk to her again. You will never hear her voice again. She will never hug you again and tell you she loves you ever again. Its over. (I know that's HARSH, just hang with me...)
So who the hell am I supposed to be now?
I'll tell ya, for TEN years that question plagued me, and now it still comes up, just not as frequent...people say its gets "better" and that's horse shit. It will NEVER get better. Its been almost 12 years for me, and the pain is just as fresh as it was that September morning.
What gets better is being able to answer that question, "Who am I?"
I write this tonight because I had a very dear friend loose their mom last week. I have a co-worker who is coming up on a 5 year mark. I have long time friends of the family, now facebook friends that are coming up on their 10 yr and a shirt-tail x 3 cousin who's mom was 93 and just passed. Needless to say, its been coming up ALOT lately, and when it does, anyone who's felt the sting of that day knows, it just brings alllll that pain right back up to the surface, and it always when you think you have it under control.
Now Im not trying to be insensitive. Some people only had dads. Some only had aunts and uncles, some only had sisters or brothers, some only had grandparents, some only had themselves...whatever the situation, when you loose the mother figure in your life, you are hounded daily that they are no longer alive. That feeling of utter loneliness...no words can describe. Sadly you have to have gone through it to know...as I know many of you who are reading this are all too familiar with. Its like a horrid club that we all know, one day we will be a member of. And still knowing that will NEVER prepare you for when it does happen and life afterward.
I liken it to breathing, for me, at this point in my stage of grief. I know I need to breathe. I do it. Its not hard, well maybe sometimes when walking on the treadmill, or helping someone move, I'm more aware of it then. If I get scared or caught off guard. If my adrenaline goes up and Im trying to calm myself. If I've had a good laugh and cant breathe because the shit was just TOO DAMN FUNNY! Those are the times when you are more aware of breathing, but its still there. In, out. In, out. In, out.
I know she is gone. I do everyday. I know I'm different from before. Its hard sometimes around holidays or milestones like 5, 10, 20yrs...birthdays and the like. Things like getting married or having a baby? For me?...yea right...with out my mom! No way. I know she's gone. I knew it was going to happen. Some days its not in the forefront, but its always there, its always happening...that question is always nagging..."Who am I now?"
Like I said before, it will NEVER get easier to handle the pain. It will NEVER "go away" The only thing that changes is my answer...
I am the woman my mother raised me to be.
I am the love that she has given.
I am all of her dreams and wishes have ever hoped for.
I am alive. I am alive because of her.
I am love because of her.
I am me, because of her.
There is a reason why, when something awesome happens to some one in sports, or entertainment...what do they always say when the camera is pointed at them?
"Hi Mom!"
Yea, I said it.
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