You are not going to like it...but its just what is happening.

First let me say, I do not in any way want to diminish the love I receive, in abundance, from my family and friends. I would not be here with out them. I love all of them. If you are reading this, I love you. One of the best things my mommy taught me was to love, and I think I'm very proficient in that endeavor as I have the BEST people surrounding me right now :)

Also, that my happy times/posts and inspiration that surrounds me and that I give back with my writing and humor is not an act. Everything I say is from my heart. I used to be scared to do that, but I find that I tend to inspire people in a way, just as they inspire me, never thought that would happen...I guess speaking from your heart is the way to go and I wish more people would do it, how much would we learn from one another? How cool would that be? But that's what your peeps are for and that's why I say again, how I have REALLY awesome people in my life, the people I can really be myself around. Who love me and choose me and I choose them.

But this thing is nagging me. It gnaws at me daily. Its not pretty by any means. It might shock people, or make those close to me upset...but it doesn't stop it from happening...

The thing is...being adopted...I have no blood. I do not know my medical history nor who I look like. I do not know any sisters or brothers or cousins or aunties and uncles of who I'm kin to...

You would think that I would think that being adopted was a blessing, and it is, but right now everything about what is going on in my life is a huge trigger, my birthday, the holidays, friends celebrating new beginnings, family's making lasting memories this time of year...and its everything in my power not to let the triggers get out of hand. I am not trying to choose this state I'm in, but I can honestly say that I can not help it.

It is the underlying factor in my life. It is my story about what actually happened. It is my brain, that doesn't produce enough chemicals...its many things

But it keeps coming up.

I've gone to therapy, many times in my life. I ALWAYS hear that I have a great head on my shoulders. That I am very smart and insightful. That I recognize and can identify feelings and thoughts. That I'm pretty well rounded and well spoken. But that never helps. What did help one time was they told me that a large amount, like over 70% of adoptees or foster children experience mental issues and seek treatment in their life for these and many other thoughts and ideas about this...that, in fact, I'm actually QUITE normal, in that respect.

Still, no comfort.

I think about my family, and how my mom and dad chose me. That they gave me the best life they could, I never wanted for anything that I needed to stay safe, fed, clothed and taught about the world and everything in it. I was encouraged to be myself and that I have the ability to do anything I want to, anything my heart desires...

Still no comfort.

So I continue to think. Is this feeling of disconnection because I'm a different color? Quite possibly. One of the things I yearn for is to know who I look like. I have a small connection with my cousins kids because they are mixed, but then the jealousy sets in, memories of my mom and how proud she was of all my little cousins, and how I was never able to give her grandchildren, how much she said that I would have beautiful children..then the slope goes further... how I was not able to buy the house that she wanted with a wrap around porch. I used to tell her all the time that I would do that and I never ever did.

Regrets regrets regrets...you cant live life with regret, but I do, I certainly do.

And that folks, is how it starts.

Now mind you that I can honestly say at this time in my life, I have SO many tools to handle this state of mind. More then I've ever had before. Friends who listen and encourage. Things I like that take me to happy places (such as Lord of the Rings playing in the background right now...and how I'm thinking of going on an anime binge here in a second)

I might guess at what you are thinking reading this. "How could you be so sad, you were chosen, you were not aborted, you are so special because of that, you are blessed" and BELIEVE ME when I say those are constantly being repeated in my head...but every night for the past month, tears...nothing but sadness and tears. Bi-polar type symptoms that bear their ugly little heads are happening all over the place.

You know how we say "You don't know the pain of loosing a parent or a child unless you have experienced it before"...this is the same. Every adoptee or foster child goes though this, I guarantee it. This identity crisis, this feeling of emptiness. Some can fill it, some turn to crime or drugs and alcohol, some can move on and have successful lives, some cant. Like everyone everywhere, our individual path is ours, but not knowing who your blood is, will cause these emotions.

So why cant I snap out of it? Why cant I just be happy. I think that for the most part I am, but that is because I distract myself with always seeking fun. But when the lights are dim and I'm alone with my thoughts, it creeps back in...I have no blood. When asked about my medical history when going to the Dr...I have to say "I'm adopted, I do not know" Oh look, another trigger (I've recently gone to the Dr as you may know...one reason why I don't like to go and will not go unless there is no other choice)

What the hell am I doing? My self absorbed, self obsessed thoughts. Why cant I be happy with what I have? Why cant I see that it could be a lot worse? This is what mental issues do, this is what depression does...and I honestly believe this is why people can't understand it and think it can be "just snapped out of" BAH!

Thoughts race with, do they even remember me? You cant just have a child and not remember...not think about them when you gave birth...but can you? How come they haven't looked for me...how come I haven't looked for them? Because I think I'm not in a very good place...I have no money because I'm always distracting myself with fun...I have no husband or kids because I'm immature and can barely take care of myself. I'm the one that gets whispered about, "you know, shes a big girl" (because food never talks back and is always there)...what does my father say? He must be so disappointed. Making him sad hurts even more.

So what would I say if one of my loved ones says these things to me? OF COURSE I would try to comfort them, tell them how awesome they are and how I love them to death. I would tell them that they are special, that they mean the world to me, that they were here for a reason, that they are wonderful, and loved, and wanted by me. That they are the light, that they are never alone. 

I'm saying these things to myself, but not believing it. My peeps are saying it to me, I cant believe them 100%...that right there hurts me even more...and more hurt starts to compound...and it gets heavy...putting on a bright face gets harder and harder...

I am not proud of it, but its happening. Its just whats happening right now.

So if  I'm not my expressive self, or even manic... if I make plans and back out. If I choose not to celebrate anything, its not because I don't love you. Its because I'm desperately trying to keep this downswing to a minimum...and the down swings have gotten less and less, but they still happen...they have to in order to have an upswing...that's the nature of it. I will deal with it by being honest, by having ridiculous thoughts and not burying them, letting them bubble and get out.

And watching anime

There...I said it.