Is it over yet?

Amongst all the well wishes and thoughtful gifts...my birthday was filled with lost of tears, from the moment I woke up...those who know me closely know I DO NOT like my birthday. I believe it goes back to when I was young...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays...and that was fine...but my mommy always took me to get my picture taken and it was a celebration...not with gifts or parties, but with spending time together. We would go and get a new dress...new accessories of corse...and I felt so much love and want, it was very special.

Then life started happening...aunties passed away...mom got sick...we were broke...but she still...ALWAYS made it special. Even when it was just a card...I knew she took the time to pick out the best one because it was always perfect. Since she has been gone I find no need to celebrate. Not only do I think of her but then I also think of my birth mother and how I kinda have lost 2 moms...couple that with the fact I'm not at all where I dreamed to be, to be a mom myself and I have no money nor will I ever (sorry, money is a big issue for me...if you don't think the entirety of our existence revolves around money, I have a harsh words for you...yes it fucking does)...put all those feelings in a bowl and mix it up and *BOOM* you've got a depression spiral for the ages...yes, you can't let it win, you have to think positive, you mom wants you to be happy...etc etc...and I wish it was that easy, I mean why would I choose to be sad with all this love? But for today I just can not. All I did today was act selfish, cry and terribly miss my mom...then it made me feel even sadder that I couldn't just be happy that others were happy it was my birthday and that I was being ridiculous. 

I had very special moments from very loving people that I cherish and hold so dear...and I wish they would completely mask the underlying pain, but sadly it still nags at my being. I can keep it at bay for the most part, but not today. Today it wins.

I love you all. I celebrate you all. I choose you all. I thank you all.

But the best part of today...is that it's over. 

Yea I said it.