Freedom of Emotion

I’m SUPER upset right now. I am super upset with myself. I am upset that my emotional reactions are having impact on my life…I’m upset that it doesn’t happen as often as it needs to and I’m upset that it remains so inconsistent in my life that it doesn’t get the respect it deserves.

I. am. emotion.

I’m a condensed ball of laughter, tears, joy, heartache, passion, frustration, stubbornness, love and fierceness. I sometimes think that my depression is a result of NOT saying E-X-A-C-T-L-Y what I wanted to say for fear of losing something, some person or respect or authority or opportunity. And by all accounts I was actually losing myself, slowly, piece by piece.

When I was 12 I had a “boyfriend” (I use quotes because no one really has a boyfriend at 12, come on now) His name was Travis Howell. I was “in LOVE” with him (again, 12 year old) my friend Vanessa introduced him to me. He lived in Redmond and back then it was long distance to talk on the phone. One day when the $700 phone bill punishment was over, I was on my way to meeting him face to face.

He was gorgeous. Tall and blonde, and he wanted me, he actually wanted me. I was ecstatic. So much so that I felt comfortable letting his friend Mike know what I thought of his hat. I told him I didn’t like it and thought it was ugly.

That night Travis broke up with me. He said I was a hateful person and he never wanted to speak to me again.

Life. DESTROYED.

I believe it was then that I decided to keep my mouth shut. Purely and simply based on fear of rejection. Growing up a different color AND being adopted, all I ever wanted was to be normal and just like everyone else. (That phrase is funny in itself) If I started REALLY speaking my mind and let my emotion be expressed, that would make me stand out even more so, thus feeling much more lonely then I already always felt.

Now should Travis have defended his friend? YES! Should I have not used the term “ugly” YES! But for some reason I made that exchange to mean that I can NEVER say what I feel, thus also squashing the ability to learn from my mistake and just simply say, “I don’t like your hat” and that be the end of it.

What I’ve come to learn, but on the flip frustrates the hell out of me because I wish everyone has this ability and I wish I had it sooner, is that we as humans put meaning behind everything we do, say and think. Life just HAS to be about “meaning” and we tack on utter uselessness to things that don’t need it.

Well what if it doesn’t. What if what you say is ACTUALLY what you mean? WHAT A CONCEPT!!! I didn’t like Mike’s hat. That was it. No more, no less. I didn’t mean I didn’t like HIM, or his choice in accessories. It wasn’t an assault on Travis and who he chose as a friend. Wasn’t trying to be cute or funny, I just didn’t like the hat. So I’m a hateful bitch because I said how I feel? No wonder we as a society get shit twisted all the time, we only listen to the answers we want, not the answers that they are and expressing emotion is constantly labeled as “drama”

 

So go ahead and call me dramatic. Call me crazy and stupid to fully embrace the emotional ride I’m on. Tell me “well you can’t tell people what you think ALL the time” “You can’t tell the truth all of the time and just live by your heart without consequence”

And I agree to an extent. There is a balance, but I’ll tell you that a life spent worrying about what other people say is not a life I choose to live anymore. I’m going to say what I want to say, be clear on my intent and allow for others to ask me questions if they are searching for “meaning” in what I say. Where the frustration will come is when they don’t get the answer they want, and will only get the answer that it is, nothing more, nothing less.

Yea I said it.

Good thing I cracked a bottle of wine for this...get the tissues...

Nothing devastates us more than loosing a loved one...nothing is worse than loosing you mom.


When I was little and woke up in the morning I used to say "mom" over and over. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear, just enough to get my voice working, then I would get out of bed and start the day. I wanted the first word out of my mouth to be that of my mom.


As I think back, its very symbolic.


Moms are the first. The first thing you encounter as a human. Dads are equally important and with out them there is nothing, but moms are the first. They carry you, they nourish you, they go through pain for you to be alive. They sacrifice their bodies and their minds to protect you and keep you. Dads have a different and equally important role as I said, but moms are the first.


I myself have mom issues because I'm adopted. I think that, why in the world would you do that to your self, to your mind and your heart just to give it all up?...but that's another story for another time.


However, even being adopted, moms are the first. Maybe you were adopted because she couldn't have kids, maybe you were adopted because you needed a good home and a good family, maybe you were adopted because your mom was like Angelina Jolie and just wanted as many babies as she could take care of...whatever the reason, mom was still first. She nurtured you, she held you, you were hers... regardless if she gave birth to you, you were HERS. Maybe more importantly, she was YOURS too.


So what happens when Mom, when your first person dies?


Life as you knew it, is over. Everything is different. Everything changes. You are not the person you were before. You are now a person with out a mom. And maybe you lost her when you were very young. Maybe you lost her when she was very old. Maybe you never even knew her, regardless, she does not exist. anymore. on this plain we call life. You will never talk to her again. You will never hear her voice again. She will never hug you again and tell you she loves you ever again. Its over. (I know that's HARSH, just hang with me...)


So who the hell am I supposed to be now?


I'll tell ya, for TEN years that question plagued me, and now it still comes up, just not as frequent...people say its gets "better" and that's horse shit. It will NEVER get better. Its been almost 12 years for me, and the pain is just as fresh as it was that September morning.


What gets better is being able to answer that question, "Who am I?"


I write this tonight because I had a very dear friend loose their mom last week. I have a co-worker who is coming up on a 5 year mark. I have long time friends of the family, now facebook friends that are coming up on their 10 yr and a shirt-tail x 3 cousin who's mom was 93 and just passed. Needless to say, its been coming up ALOT lately, and when it does, anyone who's felt the sting of that day knows, it just brings alllll that pain right back up to the surface, and it always when you think you have it under control.


Now Im not trying to be insensitive. Some people only had dads. Some only had aunts and uncles, some only had sisters or brothers, some only had grandparents, some only had themselves...whatever the situation, when you loose the mother figure in your life, you are hounded daily that they are no longer alive. That feeling of utter loneliness...no words can describe. Sadly you have to have gone through it to know...as I know many of you who are reading this are all too familiar with. Its like a horrid club that we all know, one day we will be a member of. And still knowing that will NEVER prepare you for when it does happen and life afterward.


I liken it to breathing, for me, at this point in my stage of grief. I know I need to breathe. I do it. Its not hard, well maybe sometimes when walking on the treadmill, or helping someone move, I'm more aware of it then. If I get scared or caught off guard. If my adrenaline goes up and Im trying to calm myself. If I've had a good laugh and cant breathe because the shit was just TOO DAMN FUNNY! Those are the times when you are more aware of breathing, but its still there. In, out. In, out. In, out.


I know she is gone. I do everyday. I know I'm different from before. Its hard sometimes around holidays or milestones like 5, 10, 20yrs...birthdays and the like. Things like getting married or having a baby? For me?...yea right...with out my mom! No way. I know she's gone. I knew it was going to happen. Some days its not in the forefront, but its always there, its always happening...that question is always nagging..."Who am I now?"


Like I said before, it will NEVER get easier to handle the pain. It will NEVER "go away" The only thing that changes is my answer...


I am the woman my mother raised me to be.
I am the love that she has given.
I am all of her dreams and wishes have ever hoped for.
I am alive. I am alive because of her.
I am love because of her.


I am me, because of her.




There is a reason why, when something awesome happens to some one in sports, or entertainment...what do they always say when the camera is pointed at them?


"Hi Mom!"


Yea, I said it.

Even the rain was sad...

When I drove into work today there was a gigantic grey cloud over the city...and not just metaphorically, there was actually a giant grey blanket over the sky...I thought to myself, even the rain is sad.


What can I say that hasn't been said? Do I want to play the blame game? Shall I return to my depression? Should I burn my jersey and curse Pete Carroll and never watch a game again?


HELL. NO.


Softy on KJR said it best, "when you sign up for the good, you sign up for the bad too, that's what its all about"




So yes I'm mad, sad, hurt, angry, depressed, pissed, want to throw something, want to throw UP! I'm all of it, but you know what...I freaking love it.


HUH???


Yep, I love it.


I love how complex and dramatic and filled with emotion this whole crazy mess is. I love that once again I have cheered and screamed and cried with my family and friends. That we created LASTING memories, for generations, like REAL generations. I love that we have this story...I love that we have each other. I love that I wore my jersey today and it stated conversations with strangers and put smiles on peoples faces. That I lifted them up with positivity and hope and looking towards a brighter tomorrow. I did that, Me, I had an influence on people in the most positive way and I LOVE THAT!!!!


I spent my whole life running from emotion, trying to bury my thoughts and feelings. Fearful and ashamed. NOT ANY MORE. Now I run to it, I embrace it for what it is and I take the best and move forward.


The one thing I do STILL find difficult to reconcile is how, of allllll things in my life...football, the ridiculous sport of football, changed it in so many ways, and continues to every day. So Im not looking for the next stop off the bandwagon any time soon...there is far too much journey still left ahead.




My dad summed up best, "On to next year"


Yup, he said it :)