Is it over yet?

Amongst all the well wishes and thoughtful gifts...my birthday was filled with lost of tears, from the moment I woke up...those who know me closely know I DO NOT like my birthday. I believe it goes back to when I was young...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays...and that was fine...but my mommy always took me to get my picture taken and it was a celebration...not with gifts or parties, but with spending time together. We would go and get a new dress...new accessories of corse...and I felt so much love and want, it was very special.

Then life started happening...aunties passed away...mom got sick...we were broke...but she still...ALWAYS made it special. Even when it was just a card...I knew she took the time to pick out the best one because it was always perfect. Since she has been gone I find no need to celebrate. Not only do I think of her but then I also think of my birth mother and how I kinda have lost 2 moms...couple that with the fact I'm not at all where I dreamed to be, to be a mom myself and I have no money nor will I ever (sorry, money is a big issue for me...if you don't think the entirety of our existence revolves around money, I have a harsh words for you...yes it fucking does)...put all those feelings in a bowl and mix it up and *BOOM* you've got a depression spiral for the ages...yes, you can't let it win, you have to think positive, you mom wants you to be happy...etc etc...and I wish it was that easy, I mean why would I choose to be sad with all this love? But for today I just can not. All I did today was act selfish, cry and terribly miss my mom...then it made me feel even sadder that I couldn't just be happy that others were happy it was my birthday and that I was being ridiculous. 

I had very special moments from very loving people that I cherish and hold so dear...and I wish they would completely mask the underlying pain, but sadly it still nags at my being. I can keep it at bay for the most part, but not today. Today it wins.

I love you all. I celebrate you all. I choose you all. I thank you all.

But the best part of today...is that it's over. 

Yea I said it.

You are not going to like it...but its just what is happening.

First let me say, I do not in any way want to diminish the love I receive, in abundance, from my family and friends. I would not be here with out them. I love all of them. If you are reading this, I love you. One of the best things my mommy taught me was to love, and I think I'm very proficient in that endeavor as I have the BEST people surrounding me right now :)

Also, that my happy times/posts and inspiration that surrounds me and that I give back with my writing and humor is not an act. Everything I say is from my heart. I used to be scared to do that, but I find that I tend to inspire people in a way, just as they inspire me, never thought that would happen...I guess speaking from your heart is the way to go and I wish more people would do it, how much would we learn from one another? How cool would that be? But that's what your peeps are for and that's why I say again, how I have REALLY awesome people in my life, the people I can really be myself around. Who love me and choose me and I choose them.

But this thing is nagging me. It gnaws at me daily. Its not pretty by any means. It might shock people, or make those close to me upset...but it doesn't stop it from happening...

The thing is...being adopted...I have no blood. I do not know my medical history nor who I look like. I do not know any sisters or brothers or cousins or aunties and uncles of who I'm kin to...

You would think that I would think that being adopted was a blessing, and it is, but right now everything about what is going on in my life is a huge trigger, my birthday, the holidays, friends celebrating new beginnings, family's making lasting memories this time of year...and its everything in my power not to let the triggers get out of hand. I am not trying to choose this state I'm in, but I can honestly say that I can not help it.

It is the underlying factor in my life. It is my story about what actually happened. It is my brain, that doesn't produce enough chemicals...its many things

But it keeps coming up.

I've gone to therapy, many times in my life. I ALWAYS hear that I have a great head on my shoulders. That I am very smart and insightful. That I recognize and can identify feelings and thoughts. That I'm pretty well rounded and well spoken. But that never helps. What did help one time was they told me that a large amount, like over 70% of adoptees or foster children experience mental issues and seek treatment in their life for these and many other thoughts and ideas about this...that, in fact, I'm actually QUITE normal, in that respect.

Still, no comfort.

I think about my family, and how my mom and dad chose me. That they gave me the best life they could, I never wanted for anything that I needed to stay safe, fed, clothed and taught about the world and everything in it. I was encouraged to be myself and that I have the ability to do anything I want to, anything my heart desires...

Still no comfort.

So I continue to think. Is this feeling of disconnection because I'm a different color? Quite possibly. One of the things I yearn for is to know who I look like. I have a small connection with my cousins kids because they are mixed, but then the jealousy sets in, memories of my mom and how proud she was of all my little cousins, and how I was never able to give her grandchildren, how much she said that I would have beautiful children..then the slope goes further... how I was not able to buy the house that she wanted with a wrap around porch. I used to tell her all the time that I would do that and I never ever did.

Regrets regrets regrets...you cant live life with regret, but I do, I certainly do.

And that folks, is how it starts.

Now mind you that I can honestly say at this time in my life, I have SO many tools to handle this state of mind. More then I've ever had before. Friends who listen and encourage. Things I like that take me to happy places (such as Lord of the Rings playing in the background right now...and how I'm thinking of going on an anime binge here in a second)

I might guess at what you are thinking reading this. "How could you be so sad, you were chosen, you were not aborted, you are so special because of that, you are blessed" and BELIEVE ME when I say those are constantly being repeated in my head...but every night for the past month, tears...nothing but sadness and tears. Bi-polar type symptoms that bear their ugly little heads are happening all over the place.

You know how we say "You don't know the pain of loosing a parent or a child unless you have experienced it before"...this is the same. Every adoptee or foster child goes though this, I guarantee it. This identity crisis, this feeling of emptiness. Some can fill it, some turn to crime or drugs and alcohol, some can move on and have successful lives, some cant. Like everyone everywhere, our individual path is ours, but not knowing who your blood is, will cause these emotions.

So why cant I snap out of it? Why cant I just be happy. I think that for the most part I am, but that is because I distract myself with always seeking fun. But when the lights are dim and I'm alone with my thoughts, it creeps back in...I have no blood. When asked about my medical history when going to the Dr...I have to say "I'm adopted, I do not know" Oh look, another trigger (I've recently gone to the Dr as you may know...one reason why I don't like to go and will not go unless there is no other choice)

What the hell am I doing? My self absorbed, self obsessed thoughts. Why cant I be happy with what I have? Why cant I see that it could be a lot worse? This is what mental issues do, this is what depression does...and I honestly believe this is why people can't understand it and think it can be "just snapped out of" BAH!

Thoughts race with, do they even remember me? You cant just have a child and not remember...not think about them when you gave birth...but can you? How come they haven't looked for me...how come I haven't looked for them? Because I think I'm not in a very good place...I have no money because I'm always distracting myself with fun...I have no husband or kids because I'm immature and can barely take care of myself. I'm the one that gets whispered about, "you know, shes a big girl" (because food never talks back and is always there)...what does my father say? He must be so disappointed. Making him sad hurts even more.

So what would I say if one of my loved ones says these things to me? OF COURSE I would try to comfort them, tell them how awesome they are and how I love them to death. I would tell them that they are special, that they mean the world to me, that they were here for a reason, that they are wonderful, and loved, and wanted by me. That they are the light, that they are never alone. 

I'm saying these things to myself, but not believing it. My peeps are saying it to me, I cant believe them 100%...that right there hurts me even more...and more hurt starts to compound...and it gets heavy...putting on a bright face gets harder and harder...

I am not proud of it, but its happening. Its just whats happening right now.

So if  I'm not my expressive self, or even manic... if I make plans and back out. If I choose not to celebrate anything, its not because I don't love you. Its because I'm desperately trying to keep this downswing to a minimum...and the down swings have gotten less and less, but they still happen...they have to in order to have an upswing...that's the nature of it. I will deal with it by being honest, by having ridiculous thoughts and not burying them, letting them bubble and get out.

And watching anime

There...I said it.

Its been a while...

title says it all...I have a reminder in my phone for every Monday to write and how it will be good for me...but I don't...story of my life...yadda yadda BLAH!!!

So anyways, moving on...

Summer was...great. I'm sad its over, well not really cause we have some 80 degree days ahead, but it was fun...didn't do as much camping as in prior years but it was still a blast and full of friends and good times. That's why I don't write, I'm not fired up or sad or pissed, I'm too busy having fun...but in the words of my favorite-yet headless-Stark, Winter is coming.

Ahh winter, or "depressions summer" as I just now labeled it (copyright, TM, etc). Where it fights and fights to come out and play. I mean conditions are PERFECT-dark sky's, clouds, rain, gobs of candy with Halloween, massive overeating for Thanksgiving...and Christmas? That's depressions DISNEYLAND (gosh I'm clever) But that's besides the point. The point is I am going to get ahead of the curve on this bad boy and make it my bitch.

Now mind you, I'm still not all "thrilled" to celebrate the holidays...I'm alone, so jealousy runs RAMPANT...babies and weddings and "first this" and (gag me) "that" NOT a fan...but secretly, OK? I love you forever but sometimes I don't know why I have Facebook because its a breading ground for that shit, but who am I kidding, I'm addicted to the audience I have on the one hand, and I get to stay connected to all my wonderful family and friends on the other. Ahh the delicate balance. But don't get it twisted, I know what I'm about and irony is not lost on this girl.

As always I'm going off in another direction...Now don't get me wrong-again, I love you all so much, you don't EVEN know, but I would say that sometimes my DEPRESSION doesn't like you...all that much...during the time we are about to enter.

So this is what I'm going to do. I got a hold of a happy light and will be giving that a shot. (Google it) FOOTBALL is BACK and amidst the scandals, I'm all in. I even got into a fantasy league, but It's numbers and junk but I'm testing it out...AND I'm going to write.

I'll just tell you now, not all of you are going to like it, but it needs to get out so out it will come. It will be cathartic and crazy and I will get through this winter better than I started, that is my goal.

As far as my depression goes I find that if I have something to look forward to, the more my mind is consumed with that, than the pity party I'm trying to host in my head. We have got Oktoberfest coming up...Also going to my 3rd Hawks game early Nov. Then the "West Coast Homecoming" aka Hawks vs Santa Clara on Thanksgiving, that will be EPIC! (again, copyright, TM, etc) So sharing those stories and capturing the memories will be important for the "spirals"

Also I have been listening to and watching a lot of comedy lately, and of coarse, me being me, I now want to be a comedian. I mean I could do it right? I'm funny and while I have not had the most glamorous life, the things Ive been through, situations and events, people I have met, are sometimes hilarious. It feels good to laugh and I know I cant just jump into being a comedian but lets just say I've been missing Comedy Central. Oh the first world problem of only having Internet.

Segue: Speaking of first world problems...

I recently became familiar with the whole "net neutrality" issue...and it pisses me off. Not in the way you may think, in the way I think.

REALLY 'MERICA????? So the fat cats wanna get in on this crazy "free" Internet and start milking that cow...are you not surprised? And spare me the Obama admin crap argument, that's not it. What's IT is that you can not TELL me it would come to this...maybe it a 30 something thing to finally come to the realization that the ones with all the wealth only want one thing: more wealth. As they get down on lower class people for being addicted to drugs, or what ever vice they have, they keep sniffin the money up their noses. I will NEVER have money, like real money. I could not even comprehend how to live life with that type of wealth that these people who are involved with this have and why they want more...that's why I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted (YES!!! when do you EVER get to use that in a sentence! WOO!) I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted that this is even an issue to the point of petitions and protests and full out 24 hr news coverage. So I'm going to have to pay more for something that should be granted to all, not just the super rich. So things are going to be regulated, and quantified and my privacy will be in jeopardy. Not surprised in the LEAST, cause that's what happens in this country. And sorry society, once you give into the insane pull this beast the Internet has on you, your privacy is null and void. As mentioned above, irony: lost this girl not...a little Yoda for ya there :)

COME ON FIRST WORLD can we please not be such douche bags? Can we PLEASE stop thinking that our "offense" over something deserves full scale justice? WHO. THE. HELL. CARES. This is it! This is what life is. This is what our country does. We choose to live here because it is not as f*&%ed up as some countries, but lets not pretend it is still not pretty f*&%ed up. So you gotta choose the horrible smelly messed up bad, with the glimmer and hopes of good. That's just the way of it. I suppose 30 something also involves a heightened level of cynicism, or ability to smell bullshit, either work for me.

This brings me to my final point. Rome. Why Rome? Rome was the shit back in the day. Flocks of people wanted to live there, it was brimming with culture and art, new ideas, innovation and technology...but also the most diabolical, corrupt, sick, disgusting society in all of history, thus far. I mean a few spans of time come close to the villainy and debauchery that Rome had back in its hey day, but to me Rome was the worst, and not surprisingly amazingly close to my good 'ole U S of A. 

Here's the point: Rome fell. Hard. HARRRRRD! What if its starting to happen now to us in our country? I mean since the introduction of the Internet the world has gone nuts, you know it, I know it. People think they are safe? Nope...viral video that points otherwise. People think they are doing good? Nope...tweet comes out that the motives were selfish AND here is the proof. And you already know my stance on "privacy"

So anyways, the more I hear and see while I check my facebook and e-mail. The more I see on my favorite web sites I visit daily, the more I buy things online, and only text my friends instead of call, all of it makes me think of Rome and how it thought that it was at the tip-top of civilization, it was the badass of badass. Everyone wanted a piece of the good life...but eventually it all came crashing down.

Just like my Internet is apparently about to do.

Yep I said it.

Peeps...and NOT of the marshmallow variety

Friends, there’s nothing better than friends…

I had a cartoon on tape called Rose Petal and Friends. She sang this song in the beginning of the show, when the magic in the garden took place and all the flowers would come to life as her friends, Violet, Daffodil, Lilly…and as many little ones do I watched it OVER and OVER again…but today that song popped in my head and rightfully so.

My mommy used to say to me when we get into fights that I care more for my friends then I did my family. And maybe being adopted and trying to find my identity growing up had something to do with that, but none the less my friends ARE my family (BTW my FAMILY are my FRIENDS too, sometimes people cant say that as well…so don’t get it twisted…lol)

This past week has really opened my eyes to the loving people I get to have in my life. It also throws into sharp contrast just how crippling my depression got in “The Dark Time” as I call it (after my Mom passed, then up until I quit AT&T) I tried every possible way to run from my old friends, friends I’ve hurt, or ignored for whatever reason, friends I was jealous of, or trying to chase people who I THOUGHT were my friends. But this past week has showed me that I have some of the most AWESOME friends and my true peeps have been here all along, and nothing- NOTHING has or will change in the way we care about each other. I was so closed, so afraid of having to explain what I thought was my lowly existence, to be embarrassed that I’ve done nothing in my life but run away from pain to even let the love in…

BTW I am BAWLING as I write this.

But that’s over now, things are clear. I have salt of the earth people in my life now…all the rif-raff is gone and there is just us…my peeps.

We talk about it all the time…I just talked about it today…how its been a minn in some cases but TRUE peeps never go away. No matter how far apart we may drift, we always come back to each other in the end.

Seeing 3 people at the store, going and grabbing a drink and seeing more at the pub, going to Moses and spending time with the goodness I’ve been blessed to be apart of, going out to lunch today then ending the day making plans for more fun…at every turn I see someone that I love and that I have missed dearly, no matter if it’s been since last summer, a few years ago, or considerably longer…people that have never left my heart.

I know you have peeps like this in your life…and just know if you think you don’t, you are wrong…you have me J

Yea I said it.

The cold never bothered me anyway...

So this is the night to blog...but all I want to do is watch Frozen because I don't know all the words yet...I am in LOVE with that move right now...it makes me think of my sister and I (She would be Ana and I would be Elsa) and it chokes me up EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

Yep I'm a Disney girl...till I die...Cinderella's glass slipper is forever tattooed on my left ankle (ahem...the very foot she lost the shoe on the begin with- go big or go home) That movie was my very first gift I had ever received...old school clam shell case with the VHS inside...still have it and will never let it go! Thank god for DVD though casue it was lookin kinda whack on the playback (hey that rhymed)

I remember when I was younger, bout 21, 22...there was this girl I worked with named Angie that told me that I was TOO Disney, that guys won't like that and I'll need to grow out of it eventually...

SHA-RIGHT?!??!!!

But I will have to say that now a days it's much cooler to be a 'nerd' in whatever respect that may be, Disney, Star Wars, Cosplay etc...I mean some of your friends may still look at you funny when you go off on a tangent about how Ichigo was trying to save Rukia from execution in the Soul Society and how he had to fight off all the captains and senior officers of the 13 Court Guard Squads only after he just learned his Banki release...oops sorry did I loose you for a sec....ANYWAYS now one can embrace their inner fandom with out regret because there are a million others out there who love the same crazy fun stuff you do...and we all can meet up at our favorite Con...(lé sigh...I wish I was going to comic con this year...but even if I did I have no outfit planned and that is just unacceptable!)

So NO Angie...I will never change what I like regardless of how childish it may seem...I will never not be a Disney, Lord of the Rings, Vampires, Star Wars, Video game, Superhero, cartoon loving fan girl who just wants to geek out on her favorite things.

Now excuse me I've got some finishing touches to go on the songs from Frozen...

"IN SUMMMMEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!"

Yea I said it!

Just start writing

I made an alert on my phone to just start writing and it just went off

Lets see, LOTSA happenings with my Hawks and free agency, a plane is missing in the Pacific ocean yet cell phones can be triangulated by our government, etc etc...but more on that topical stuff later

Lets talk about what I'm currently baffled by, and that's the world of online dating...

So I haven't jumped into this scene in a minn, and I was feeling kinda lonely. A trigger went off when I was at my friends parents 40th wedding anniversary where I realized that as much as I value and hold true to my independence...I will never be 40 years with someone, other than myself.

Ive pretty much let the ship a sail on me ever finding a mate, its just not going to happen because Im the exact person who deserves true love, like true princess-style love with the romance and the flowers and the perfect and the longevity, and since that Disney -ish NEVER happens in real life...well there you go, aaaand I'm resigned. Whatev... I have a life full of freedom and friendship and not many can say they have that either.

But those damn triggers...so I start thinking...there's GOT to be someone out there for me. There are guys who like big girls, whole sites dedicated to us BBW's...and plus I'm hella cute and SUPER funny...I should be able to find some decent guy with my ONE requirement (that being a J-O-B) Right? Right?

WRONGGGGG!!!! Wrong-ady-wrong-wrong with an extra side of WRONG!

Now don't get ME wrong (lol)...if Im ever looking for a quicky, I know where to turn, and that may work in a pinch, but that's not want I want. I want my life to change, like I hear so many people say theirs does when they meet their love. I want the stars and the moon and the flowers and the like...is that too much to ask? (I know, I know it is really, as I live in fairy tale land but like I said...WHATEV)

I've spent so much time holding back and not putting myself out there, being TOO independent for fear of getting hurt that its actually hurting more now. The only reason why Im alone is because...Im alone. Sorr,y got emotionally sidetracked there for a minn...

But GOOD GOD man...ok first of all. DONT put a picture up of you and another girl...I don't care if shes your sister - not ideal. Second...why the hell do men think that girls WANT to see a picture of your junk? Guys are visual, I get that but NO you don't get a pic of my girls right out the gate either...if you are looking for just that I got a few web sites you can check out...on the free-free, ya dig?

But not all of them are looking for a wham-bam-ty-ma'am (it sure seems like it though) The ones that you WANT to message you back never do, or they are SO persistent that it actually turns you off. Im for absolute positive that its the same on the other side of the fence, but minus the girls sending their ta ta pics IMMED...but u never know....

So my adventure will continue down a path I've never taken the time to go down before...hopefully to find a gem in this sea of...of...not gems...I mean seriously as flattering as it might "seem" to be, keep on movin if all you want is a booty call.

Yep, I said it!