Today I break my social media silence. For acceptance? For approval? Pity? No.
Because Im right. Because Im proud. Because Im not afraid to expose what needs exposing.
And the PERFECT thing is, I wasn't even the one to prove it. It proved itself.
After my seizure I had to make a serious lifestyle change. I decided that I will not "party" as much as I have been (well I suppose my body decided that for me). I do not want what happened to happen again.
This meant that my main social circle no longer fit. Not only was I the only single, childless person, but mostly I didn't like that I was doing anything and everything to fit in...including sacrificing my morals, beliefs, health and individuality.
Then the shootings in Florida happened. Thats when a few of these people started showing their true colors.
Fear. Bigotry. Hate. Guilting others and closed minds. Calling for a race of people to be eliminated (um, Hitler much?) What myself and those around me now refer as selective bigotry and selective ignorance. Example: "Yes all Muslims need to die, they are killing all of our fags!"
Oh. Hell. No.
I needed to move on from this and I did. There were plenty of signs and times I just dismissed something as "oh well they are just drunk" or was told, "well thats just so and so's opinion" But I could no longer excuse the flat out fear and hatred that was not only building up in my social circle, but the world as well.
I cant change the whole world. I CAN change MY world. My world has no room for any of that non-sense.
I decided to give a key back to a house I was trusted with because I knew my absences would get longer and longer. I needed to get my car back as I was a few weeks from being able to drive. I explained that I would not be hanging out as much in the capacity that others may want me too. That I will always be there when needed, that I will always hold fond memories, but that I needed to move on. I was clear that no matter what is said or done going forward, I will always love and be grateful for the time and memories made.
What did I get for that?
I got called a Nigger.
There is so much more I want to say, but I leave it at that (#shockvalue)
Now, after much talking and moving through the pain, what I really want is this...I want everyone to know that your decisions are RIGHT. If you are wavering on something, do it. We have one life, dont live it in fear, hatred and child like name calling. Eat the cake, drive in the rain, fly on a plane, change your mind and then change it again. STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN! Have faith and confidence in if what you are deciding is best for you, then you need to do it! The justifications will reveal themselves in due time.
The only thing I needed to seal the deal that it was the right decision to seperate myself wasn't even from me. That's what I am MOST proud of...that and that my BEST REVENGE will be...
a full life well lived.
Yea I said it.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Friday, July 3, 2015
Freedom of Emotion
I’m SUPER upset right now. I am super upset with myself. I
am upset that my emotional reactions are having impact on my life…I’m upset
that it doesn’t happen as often as it needs to and I’m upset that it remains so
inconsistent in my life that it doesn’t get the respect it deserves.
I. am. emotion.
I’m a condensed ball of laughter, tears, joy, heartache,
passion, frustration, stubbornness, love and fierceness. I sometimes think that
my depression is a result of NOT saying E-X-A-C-T-L-Y what I wanted to say for
fear of losing something, some person or respect or authority or opportunity. And
by all accounts I was actually losing myself, slowly, piece by piece.
When I was 12 I had a “boyfriend” (I use quotes because no
one really has a boyfriend at 12, come on now) His name was Travis Howell. I
was “in LOVE” with him (again, 12 year old) my friend Vanessa introduced him to
me. He lived in Redmond and back then it was long distance to talk on the
phone. One day when the $700 phone bill punishment was over, I was on my way to
meeting him face to face.
He was gorgeous. Tall and blonde, and he wanted me, he
actually wanted me. I was ecstatic. So much so that I felt comfortable letting
his friend Mike know what I thought of his hat. I told him I didn’t like it and
thought it was ugly.
That night Travis broke up with me. He said I was a hateful
person and he never wanted to speak to me again.
Life. DESTROYED.
I believe it was then that I decided to keep my mouth shut.
Purely and simply based on fear of rejection. Growing up a different color AND
being adopted, all I ever wanted was to be normal and just like everyone else.
(That phrase is funny in itself) If I started REALLY speaking my mind and let
my emotion be expressed, that would make me stand out even more so, thus
feeling much more lonely then I already always felt.
Now should Travis have defended his friend? YES! Should I
have not used the term “ugly” YES! But for some reason I made that exchange to
mean that I can NEVER say what I feel, thus also squashing the ability to learn
from my mistake and just simply say, “I don’t like your hat” and that be the
end of it.
What I’ve come to learn, but on the flip frustrates the hell
out of me because I wish everyone has this ability and I wish I had it sooner,
is that we as humans put meaning behind everything we do, say and think. Life
just HAS to be about “meaning” and we tack on utter uselessness to things that don’t
need it.
Well what if it doesn’t. What if what you say is ACTUALLY
what you mean? WHAT A CONCEPT!!! I didn’t like Mike’s hat. That was it. No
more, no less. I didn’t mean I didn’t like HIM, or his choice in accessories.
It wasn’t an assault on Travis and who he chose as a friend. Wasn’t trying to
be cute or funny, I just didn’t like the hat. So I’m a hateful bitch because I
said how I feel? No wonder we as a society get shit twisted all the time, we
only listen to the answers we want, not the answers that they are and
expressing emotion is constantly labeled as “drama”
So go ahead and call me dramatic. Call me crazy and stupid
to fully embrace the emotional ride I’m on. Tell me “well you can’t tell people
what you think ALL the time” “You can’t tell the truth all of the time and just
live by your heart without consequence”
And I agree to an extent. There is a balance, but I’ll tell
you that a life spent worrying about what other people say is not a life I
choose to live anymore. I’m going to say what I want to say, be clear on my
intent and allow for others to ask me questions if they are searching for “meaning”
in what I say. Where the frustration will come is when they don’t get the
answer they want, and will only get the answer that it is, nothing more, nothing
less.
Yea I said it.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Good thing I cracked a bottle of wine for this...get the tissues...
Nothing devastates us more than loosing a loved one...nothing is worse than loosing you mom.
When I was little and woke up in the morning I used to say "mom" over and over. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear, just enough to get my voice working, then I would get out of bed and start the day. I wanted the first word out of my mouth to be that of my mom.
As I think back, its very symbolic.
Moms are the first. The first thing you encounter as a human. Dads are equally important and with out them there is nothing, but moms are the first. They carry you, they nourish you, they go through pain for you to be alive. They sacrifice their bodies and their minds to protect you and keep you. Dads have a different and equally important role as I said, but moms are the first.
I myself have mom issues because I'm adopted. I think that, why in the world would you do that to your self, to your mind and your heart just to give it all up?...but that's another story for another time.
However, even being adopted, moms are the first. Maybe you were adopted because she couldn't have kids, maybe you were adopted because you needed a good home and a good family, maybe you were adopted because your mom was like Angelina Jolie and just wanted as many babies as she could take care of...whatever the reason, mom was still first. She nurtured you, she held you, you were hers... regardless if she gave birth to you, you were HERS. Maybe more importantly, she was YOURS too.
So what happens when Mom, when your first person dies?
Life as you knew it, is over. Everything is different. Everything changes. You are not the person you were before. You are now a person with out a mom. And maybe you lost her when you were very young. Maybe you lost her when she was very old. Maybe you never even knew her, regardless, she does not exist. anymore. on this plain we call life. You will never talk to her again. You will never hear her voice again. She will never hug you again and tell you she loves you ever again. Its over. (I know that's HARSH, just hang with me...)
So who the hell am I supposed to be now?
I'll tell ya, for TEN years that question plagued me, and now it still comes up, just not as frequent...people say its gets "better" and that's horse shit. It will NEVER get better. Its been almost 12 years for me, and the pain is just as fresh as it was that September morning.
What gets better is being able to answer that question, "Who am I?"
I write this tonight because I had a very dear friend loose their mom last week. I have a co-worker who is coming up on a 5 year mark. I have long time friends of the family, now facebook friends that are coming up on their 10 yr and a shirt-tail x 3 cousin who's mom was 93 and just passed. Needless to say, its been coming up ALOT lately, and when it does, anyone who's felt the sting of that day knows, it just brings alllll that pain right back up to the surface, and it always when you think you have it under control.
Now Im not trying to be insensitive. Some people only had dads. Some only had aunts and uncles, some only had sisters or brothers, some only had grandparents, some only had themselves...whatever the situation, when you loose the mother figure in your life, you are hounded daily that they are no longer alive. That feeling of utter loneliness...no words can describe. Sadly you have to have gone through it to know...as I know many of you who are reading this are all too familiar with. Its like a horrid club that we all know, one day we will be a member of. And still knowing that will NEVER prepare you for when it does happen and life afterward.
I liken it to breathing, for me, at this point in my stage of grief. I know I need to breathe. I do it. Its not hard, well maybe sometimes when walking on the treadmill, or helping someone move, I'm more aware of it then. If I get scared or caught off guard. If my adrenaline goes up and Im trying to calm myself. If I've had a good laugh and cant breathe because the shit was just TOO DAMN FUNNY! Those are the times when you are more aware of breathing, but its still there. In, out. In, out. In, out.
I know she is gone. I do everyday. I know I'm different from before. Its hard sometimes around holidays or milestones like 5, 10, 20yrs...birthdays and the like. Things like getting married or having a baby? For me?...yea right...with out my mom! No way. I know she's gone. I knew it was going to happen. Some days its not in the forefront, but its always there, its always happening...that question is always nagging..."Who am I now?"
Like I said before, it will NEVER get easier to handle the pain. It will NEVER "go away" The only thing that changes is my answer...
I am the woman my mother raised me to be.
I am the love that she has given.
I am all of her dreams and wishes have ever hoped for.
I am alive. I am alive because of her.
I am love because of her.
I am me, because of her.
There is a reason why, when something awesome happens to some one in sports, or entertainment...what do they always say when the camera is pointed at them?
"Hi Mom!"
Yea, I said it.
When I was little and woke up in the morning I used to say "mom" over and over. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear, just enough to get my voice working, then I would get out of bed and start the day. I wanted the first word out of my mouth to be that of my mom.
As I think back, its very symbolic.
Moms are the first. The first thing you encounter as a human. Dads are equally important and with out them there is nothing, but moms are the first. They carry you, they nourish you, they go through pain for you to be alive. They sacrifice their bodies and their minds to protect you and keep you. Dads have a different and equally important role as I said, but moms are the first.
I myself have mom issues because I'm adopted. I think that, why in the world would you do that to your self, to your mind and your heart just to give it all up?...but that's another story for another time.
However, even being adopted, moms are the first. Maybe you were adopted because she couldn't have kids, maybe you were adopted because you needed a good home and a good family, maybe you were adopted because your mom was like Angelina Jolie and just wanted as many babies as she could take care of...whatever the reason, mom was still first. She nurtured you, she held you, you were hers... regardless if she gave birth to you, you were HERS. Maybe more importantly, she was YOURS too.
So what happens when Mom, when your first person dies?
Life as you knew it, is over. Everything is different. Everything changes. You are not the person you were before. You are now a person with out a mom. And maybe you lost her when you were very young. Maybe you lost her when she was very old. Maybe you never even knew her, regardless, she does not exist. anymore. on this plain we call life. You will never talk to her again. You will never hear her voice again. She will never hug you again and tell you she loves you ever again. Its over. (I know that's HARSH, just hang with me...)
So who the hell am I supposed to be now?
I'll tell ya, for TEN years that question plagued me, and now it still comes up, just not as frequent...people say its gets "better" and that's horse shit. It will NEVER get better. Its been almost 12 years for me, and the pain is just as fresh as it was that September morning.
What gets better is being able to answer that question, "Who am I?"
I write this tonight because I had a very dear friend loose their mom last week. I have a co-worker who is coming up on a 5 year mark. I have long time friends of the family, now facebook friends that are coming up on their 10 yr and a shirt-tail x 3 cousin who's mom was 93 and just passed. Needless to say, its been coming up ALOT lately, and when it does, anyone who's felt the sting of that day knows, it just brings alllll that pain right back up to the surface, and it always when you think you have it under control.
Now Im not trying to be insensitive. Some people only had dads. Some only had aunts and uncles, some only had sisters or brothers, some only had grandparents, some only had themselves...whatever the situation, when you loose the mother figure in your life, you are hounded daily that they are no longer alive. That feeling of utter loneliness...no words can describe. Sadly you have to have gone through it to know...as I know many of you who are reading this are all too familiar with. Its like a horrid club that we all know, one day we will be a member of. And still knowing that will NEVER prepare you for when it does happen and life afterward.
I liken it to breathing, for me, at this point in my stage of grief. I know I need to breathe. I do it. Its not hard, well maybe sometimes when walking on the treadmill, or helping someone move, I'm more aware of it then. If I get scared or caught off guard. If my adrenaline goes up and Im trying to calm myself. If I've had a good laugh and cant breathe because the shit was just TOO DAMN FUNNY! Those are the times when you are more aware of breathing, but its still there. In, out. In, out. In, out.
I know she is gone. I do everyday. I know I'm different from before. Its hard sometimes around holidays or milestones like 5, 10, 20yrs...birthdays and the like. Things like getting married or having a baby? For me?...yea right...with out my mom! No way. I know she's gone. I knew it was going to happen. Some days its not in the forefront, but its always there, its always happening...that question is always nagging..."Who am I now?"
Like I said before, it will NEVER get easier to handle the pain. It will NEVER "go away" The only thing that changes is my answer...
I am the woman my mother raised me to be.
I am the love that she has given.
I am all of her dreams and wishes have ever hoped for.
I am alive. I am alive because of her.
I am love because of her.
I am me, because of her.
There is a reason why, when something awesome happens to some one in sports, or entertainment...what do they always say when the camera is pointed at them?
"Hi Mom!"
Yea, I said it.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Even the rain was sad...
When I drove into work today there was a gigantic grey cloud over the city...and not just metaphorically, there was actually a giant grey blanket over the sky...I thought to myself, even the rain is sad.
What can I say that hasn't been said? Do I want to play the blame game? Shall I return to my depression? Should I burn my jersey and curse Pete Carroll and never watch a game again?
HELL. NO.
Softy on KJR said it best, "when you sign up for the good, you sign up for the bad too, that's what its all about"
So yes I'm mad, sad, hurt, angry, depressed, pissed, want to throw something, want to throw UP! I'm all of it, but you know what...I freaking love it.
HUH???
Yep, I love it.
I love how complex and dramatic and filled with emotion this whole crazy mess is. I love that once again I have cheered and screamed and cried with my family and friends. That we created LASTING memories, for generations, like REAL generations. I love that we have this story...I love that we have each other. I love that I wore my jersey today and it stated conversations with strangers and put smiles on peoples faces. That I lifted them up with positivity and hope and looking towards a brighter tomorrow. I did that, Me, I had an influence on people in the most positive way and I LOVE THAT!!!!
I spent my whole life running from emotion, trying to bury my thoughts and feelings. Fearful and ashamed. NOT ANY MORE. Now I run to it, I embrace it for what it is and I take the best and move forward.
The one thing I do STILL find difficult to reconcile is how, of allllll things in my life...football, the ridiculous sport of football, changed it in so many ways, and continues to every day. So Im not looking for the next stop off the bandwagon any time soon...there is far too much journey still left ahead.
My dad summed up best, "On to next year"
Yup, he said it :)
What can I say that hasn't been said? Do I want to play the blame game? Shall I return to my depression? Should I burn my jersey and curse Pete Carroll and never watch a game again?
HELL. NO.
Softy on KJR said it best, "when you sign up for the good, you sign up for the bad too, that's what its all about"
So yes I'm mad, sad, hurt, angry, depressed, pissed, want to throw something, want to throw UP! I'm all of it, but you know what...I freaking love it.
HUH???
Yep, I love it.
I love how complex and dramatic and filled with emotion this whole crazy mess is. I love that once again I have cheered and screamed and cried with my family and friends. That we created LASTING memories, for generations, like REAL generations. I love that we have this story...I love that we have each other. I love that I wore my jersey today and it stated conversations with strangers and put smiles on peoples faces. That I lifted them up with positivity and hope and looking towards a brighter tomorrow. I did that, Me, I had an influence on people in the most positive way and I LOVE THAT!!!!
I spent my whole life running from emotion, trying to bury my thoughts and feelings. Fearful and ashamed. NOT ANY MORE. Now I run to it, I embrace it for what it is and I take the best and move forward.
The one thing I do STILL find difficult to reconcile is how, of allllll things in my life...football, the ridiculous sport of football, changed it in so many ways, and continues to every day. So Im not looking for the next stop off the bandwagon any time soon...there is far too much journey still left ahead.
My dad summed up best, "On to next year"
Yup, he said it :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Is it over yet?
Amongst all the well wishes and thoughtful gifts...my birthday was filled with lost of tears, from the moment I woke up...those who know me closely know I DO NOT like my birthday. I believe it goes back to when I was young...Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays...and that was fine...but my mommy always took me to get my picture taken and it was a celebration...not with gifts or parties, but with spending time together. We would go and get a new dress...new accessories of corse...and I felt so much love and want, it was very special.
Then life started happening...aunties passed away...mom got sick...we were broke...but she still...ALWAYS made it special. Even when it was just a card...I knew she took the time to pick out the best one because it was always perfect. Since she has been gone I find no need to celebrate. Not only do I think of her but then I also think of my birth mother and how I kinda have lost 2 moms...couple that with the fact I'm not at all where I dreamed to be, to be a mom myself and I have no money nor will I ever (sorry, money is a big issue for me...if you don't think the entirety of our existence revolves around money, I have a harsh words for you...yes it fucking does)...put all those feelings in a bowl and mix it up and *BOOM* you've got a depression spiral for the ages...yes, you can't let it win, you have to think positive, you mom wants you to be happy...etc etc...and I wish it was that easy, I mean why would I choose to be sad with all this love? But for today I just can not. All I did today was act selfish, cry and terribly miss my mom...then it made me feel even sadder that I couldn't just be happy that others were happy it was my birthday and that I was being ridiculous.
I had very special moments from very loving people that I cherish and hold so dear...and I wish they would completely mask the underlying pain, but sadly it still nags at my being. I can keep it at bay for the most part, but not today. Today it wins.
I love you all. I celebrate you all. I choose you all. I thank you all.
But the best part of today...is that it's over.
Yea I said it.
Monday, December 8, 2014
You are not going to like it...but its just what is happening.
First let me say, I do not in any way want to diminish the love I receive, in abundance, from my family and friends. I would not be here with out them. I love all of them. If you are reading this, I love you. One of the best things my mommy taught me was to love, and I think I'm very proficient in that endeavor as I have the BEST people surrounding me right now :)
Also, that my happy times/posts and inspiration that surrounds me and that I give back with my writing and humor is not an act. Everything I say is from my heart. I used to be scared to do that, but I find that I tend to inspire people in a way, just as they inspire me, never thought that would happen...I guess speaking from your heart is the way to go and I wish more people would do it, how much would we learn from one another? How cool would that be? But that's what your peeps are for and that's why I say again, how I have REALLY awesome people in my life, the people I can really be myself around. Who love me and choose me and I choose them.
But this thing is nagging me. It gnaws at me daily. Its not pretty by any means. It might shock people, or make those close to me upset...but it doesn't stop it from happening...
The thing is...being adopted...I have no blood. I do not know my medical history nor who I look like. I do not know any sisters or brothers or cousins or aunties and uncles of who I'm kin to...
You would think that I would think that being adopted was a blessing, and it is, but right now everything about what is going on in my life is a huge trigger, my birthday, the holidays, friends celebrating new beginnings, family's making lasting memories this time of year...and its everything in my power not to let the triggers get out of hand. I am not trying to choose this state I'm in, but I can honestly say that I can not help it.
It is the underlying factor in my life. It is my story about what actually happened. It is my brain, that doesn't produce enough chemicals...its many things
But it keeps coming up.
I've gone to therapy, many times in my life. I ALWAYS hear that I have a great head on my shoulders. That I am very smart and insightful. That I recognize and can identify feelings and thoughts. That I'm pretty well rounded and well spoken. But that never helps. What did help one time was they told me that a large amount, like over 70% of adoptees or foster children experience mental issues and seek treatment in their life for these and many other thoughts and ideas about this...that, in fact, I'm actually QUITE normal, in that respect.
Still, no comfort.
I think about my family, and how my mom and dad chose me. That they gave me the best life they could, I never wanted for anything that I needed to stay safe, fed, clothed and taught about the world and everything in it. I was encouraged to be myself and that I have the ability to do anything I want to, anything my heart desires...
Still no comfort.
So I continue to think. Is this feeling of disconnection because I'm a different color? Quite possibly. One of the things I yearn for is to know who I look like. I have a small connection with my cousins kids because they are mixed, but then the jealousy sets in, memories of my mom and how proud she was of all my little cousins, and how I was never able to give her grandchildren, how much she said that I would have beautiful children..then the slope goes further... how I was not able to buy the house that she wanted with a wrap around porch. I used to tell her all the time that I would do that and I never ever did.
Regrets regrets regrets...you cant live life with regret, but I do, I certainly do.
And that folks, is how it starts.
Now mind you that I can honestly say at this time in my life, I have SO many tools to handle this state of mind. More then I've ever had before. Friends who listen and encourage. Things I like that take me to happy places (such as Lord of the Rings playing in the background right now...and how I'm thinking of going on an anime binge here in a second)
I might guess at what you are thinking reading this. "How could you be so sad, you were chosen, you were not aborted, you are so special because of that, you are blessed" and BELIEVE ME when I say those are constantly being repeated in my head...but every night for the past month, tears...nothing but sadness and tears. Bi-polar type symptoms that bear their ugly little heads are happening all over the place.
You know how we say "You don't know the pain of loosing a parent or a child unless you have experienced it before"...this is the same. Every adoptee or foster child goes though this, I guarantee it. This identity crisis, this feeling of emptiness. Some can fill it, some turn to crime or drugs and alcohol, some can move on and have successful lives, some cant. Like everyone everywhere, our individual path is ours, but not knowing who your blood is, will cause these emotions.
So why cant I snap out of it? Why cant I just be happy. I think that for the most part I am, but that is because I distract myself with always seeking fun. But when the lights are dim and I'm alone with my thoughts, it creeps back in...I have no blood. When asked about my medical history when going to the Dr...I have to say "I'm adopted, I do not know" Oh look, another trigger (I've recently gone to the Dr as you may know...one reason why I don't like to go and will not go unless there is no other choice)
What the hell am I doing? My self absorbed, self obsessed thoughts. Why cant I be happy with what I have? Why cant I see that it could be a lot worse? This is what mental issues do, this is what depression does...and I honestly believe this is why people can't understand it and think it can be "just snapped out of" BAH!
Thoughts race with, do they even remember me? You cant just have a child and not remember...not think about them when you gave birth...but can you? How come they haven't looked for me...how come I haven't looked for them? Because I think I'm not in a very good place...I have no money because I'm always distracting myself with fun...I have no husband or kids because I'm immature and can barely take care of myself. I'm the one that gets whispered about, "you know, shes a big girl" (because food never talks back and is always there)...what does my father say? He must be so disappointed. Making him sad hurts even more.
So what would I say if one of my loved ones says these things to me? OF COURSE I would try to comfort them, tell them how awesome they are and how I love them to death. I would tell them that they are special, that they mean the world to me, that they were here for a reason, that they are wonderful, and loved, and wanted by me. That they are the light, that they are never alone.
I'm saying these things to myself, but not believing it. My peeps are saying it to me, I cant believe them 100%...that right there hurts me even more...and more hurt starts to compound...and it gets heavy...putting on a bright face gets harder and harder...
I am not proud of it, but its happening. Its just whats happening right now.
So if I'm not my expressive self, or even manic... if I make plans and back out. If I choose not to celebrate anything, its not because I don't love you. Its because I'm desperately trying to keep this downswing to a minimum...and the down swings have gotten less and less, but they still happen...they have to in order to have an upswing...that's the nature of it. I will deal with it by being honest, by having ridiculous thoughts and not burying them, letting them bubble and get out.
And watching anime
There...I said it.
Also, that my happy times/posts and inspiration that surrounds me and that I give back with my writing and humor is not an act. Everything I say is from my heart. I used to be scared to do that, but I find that I tend to inspire people in a way, just as they inspire me, never thought that would happen...I guess speaking from your heart is the way to go and I wish more people would do it, how much would we learn from one another? How cool would that be? But that's what your peeps are for and that's why I say again, how I have REALLY awesome people in my life, the people I can really be myself around. Who love me and choose me and I choose them.
But this thing is nagging me. It gnaws at me daily. Its not pretty by any means. It might shock people, or make those close to me upset...but it doesn't stop it from happening...
The thing is...being adopted...I have no blood. I do not know my medical history nor who I look like. I do not know any sisters or brothers or cousins or aunties and uncles of who I'm kin to...
You would think that I would think that being adopted was a blessing, and it is, but right now everything about what is going on in my life is a huge trigger, my birthday, the holidays, friends celebrating new beginnings, family's making lasting memories this time of year...and its everything in my power not to let the triggers get out of hand. I am not trying to choose this state I'm in, but I can honestly say that I can not help it.
It is the underlying factor in my life. It is my story about what actually happened. It is my brain, that doesn't produce enough chemicals...its many things
But it keeps coming up.
I've gone to therapy, many times in my life. I ALWAYS hear that I have a great head on my shoulders. That I am very smart and insightful. That I recognize and can identify feelings and thoughts. That I'm pretty well rounded and well spoken. But that never helps. What did help one time was they told me that a large amount, like over 70% of adoptees or foster children experience mental issues and seek treatment in their life for these and many other thoughts and ideas about this...that, in fact, I'm actually QUITE normal, in that respect.
Still, no comfort.
I think about my family, and how my mom and dad chose me. That they gave me the best life they could, I never wanted for anything that I needed to stay safe, fed, clothed and taught about the world and everything in it. I was encouraged to be myself and that I have the ability to do anything I want to, anything my heart desires...
Still no comfort.
So I continue to think. Is this feeling of disconnection because I'm a different color? Quite possibly. One of the things I yearn for is to know who I look like. I have a small connection with my cousins kids because they are mixed, but then the jealousy sets in, memories of my mom and how proud she was of all my little cousins, and how I was never able to give her grandchildren, how much she said that I would have beautiful children..then the slope goes further... how I was not able to buy the house that she wanted with a wrap around porch. I used to tell her all the time that I would do that and I never ever did.
Regrets regrets regrets...you cant live life with regret, but I do, I certainly do.
And that folks, is how it starts.
Now mind you that I can honestly say at this time in my life, I have SO many tools to handle this state of mind. More then I've ever had before. Friends who listen and encourage. Things I like that take me to happy places (such as Lord of the Rings playing in the background right now...and how I'm thinking of going on an anime binge here in a second)
I might guess at what you are thinking reading this. "How could you be so sad, you were chosen, you were not aborted, you are so special because of that, you are blessed" and BELIEVE ME when I say those are constantly being repeated in my head...but every night for the past month, tears...nothing but sadness and tears. Bi-polar type symptoms that bear their ugly little heads are happening all over the place.
You know how we say "You don't know the pain of loosing a parent or a child unless you have experienced it before"...this is the same. Every adoptee or foster child goes though this, I guarantee it. This identity crisis, this feeling of emptiness. Some can fill it, some turn to crime or drugs and alcohol, some can move on and have successful lives, some cant. Like everyone everywhere, our individual path is ours, but not knowing who your blood is, will cause these emotions.
So why cant I snap out of it? Why cant I just be happy. I think that for the most part I am, but that is because I distract myself with always seeking fun. But when the lights are dim and I'm alone with my thoughts, it creeps back in...I have no blood. When asked about my medical history when going to the Dr...I have to say "I'm adopted, I do not know" Oh look, another trigger (I've recently gone to the Dr as you may know...one reason why I don't like to go and will not go unless there is no other choice)
What the hell am I doing? My self absorbed, self obsessed thoughts. Why cant I be happy with what I have? Why cant I see that it could be a lot worse? This is what mental issues do, this is what depression does...and I honestly believe this is why people can't understand it and think it can be "just snapped out of" BAH!
Thoughts race with, do they even remember me? You cant just have a child and not remember...not think about them when you gave birth...but can you? How come they haven't looked for me...how come I haven't looked for them? Because I think I'm not in a very good place...I have no money because I'm always distracting myself with fun...I have no husband or kids because I'm immature and can barely take care of myself. I'm the one that gets whispered about, "you know, shes a big girl" (because food never talks back and is always there)...what does my father say? He must be so disappointed. Making him sad hurts even more.
So what would I say if one of my loved ones says these things to me? OF COURSE I would try to comfort them, tell them how awesome they are and how I love them to death. I would tell them that they are special, that they mean the world to me, that they were here for a reason, that they are wonderful, and loved, and wanted by me. That they are the light, that they are never alone.
I'm saying these things to myself, but not believing it. My peeps are saying it to me, I cant believe them 100%...that right there hurts me even more...and more hurt starts to compound...and it gets heavy...putting on a bright face gets harder and harder...
I am not proud of it, but its happening. Its just whats happening right now.
So if I'm not my expressive self, or even manic... if I make plans and back out. If I choose not to celebrate anything, its not because I don't love you. Its because I'm desperately trying to keep this downswing to a minimum...and the down swings have gotten less and less, but they still happen...they have to in order to have an upswing...that's the nature of it. I will deal with it by being honest, by having ridiculous thoughts and not burying them, letting them bubble and get out.
And watching anime
There...I said it.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Its been a while...
title says it all...I have a reminder in my phone for every Monday to write and how it will be good for me...but I don't...story of my life...yadda yadda BLAH!!!
So anyways, moving on...
Summer was...great. I'm sad its over, well not really cause we have some 80 degree days ahead, but it was fun...didn't do as much camping as in prior years but it was still a blast and full of friends and good times. That's why I don't write, I'm not fired up or sad or pissed, I'm too busy having fun...but in the words of my favorite-yet headless-Stark, Winter is coming.
Ahh winter, or "depressions summer" as I just now labeled it (copyright, TM, etc). Where it fights and fights to come out and play. I mean conditions are PERFECT-dark sky's, clouds, rain, gobs of candy with Halloween, massive overeating for Thanksgiving...and Christmas? That's depressions DISNEYLAND (gosh I'm clever) But that's besides the point. The point is I am going to get ahead of the curve on this bad boy and make it my bitch.
Now mind you, I'm still not all "thrilled" to celebrate the holidays...I'm alone, so jealousy runs RAMPANT...babies and weddings and "first this" and (gag me) "that" NOT a fan...but secretly, OK? I love you forever but sometimes I don't know why I have Facebook because its a breading ground for that shit, but who am I kidding, I'm addicted to the audience I have on the one hand, and I get to stay connected to all my wonderful family and friends on the other. Ahh the delicate balance. But don't get it twisted, I know what I'm about and irony is not lost on this girl.
As always I'm going off in another direction...Now don't get me wrong-again, I love you all so much, you don't EVEN know, but I would say that sometimes my DEPRESSION doesn't like you...all that much...during the time we are about to enter.
So this is what I'm going to do. I got a hold of a happy light and will be giving that a shot. (Google it) FOOTBALL is BACK and amidst the scandals, I'm all in. I even got into a fantasy league, but It's numbers and junk but I'm testing it out...AND I'm going to write.
I'll just tell you now, not all of you are going to like it, but it needs to get out so out it will come. It will be cathartic and crazy and I will get through this winter better than I started, that is my goal.
As far as my depression goes I find that if I have something to look forward to, the more my mind is consumed with that, than the pity party I'm trying to host in my head. We have got Oktoberfest coming up...Also going to my 3rd Hawks game early Nov. Then the "West Coast Homecoming" aka Hawks vs Santa Clara on Thanksgiving, that will be EPIC! (again, copyright, TM, etc) So sharing those stories and capturing the memories will be important for the "spirals"
Also I have been listening to and watching a lot of comedy lately, and of coarse, me being me, I now want to be a comedian. I mean I could do it right? I'm funny and while I have not had the most glamorous life, the things Ive been through, situations and events, people I have met, are sometimes hilarious. It feels good to laugh and I know I cant just jump into being a comedian but lets just say I've been missing Comedy Central. Oh the first world problem of only having Internet.
Segue: Speaking of first world problems...
I recently became familiar with the whole "net neutrality" issue...and it pisses me off. Not in the way you may think, in the way I think.
REALLY 'MERICA????? So the fat cats wanna get in on this crazy "free" Internet and start milking that cow...are you not surprised? And spare me the Obama admin crap argument, that's not it. What's IT is that you can not TELL me it would come to this...maybe it a 30 something thing to finally come to the realization that the ones with all the wealth only want one thing: more wealth. As they get down on lower class people for being addicted to drugs, or what ever vice they have, they keep sniffin the money up their noses. I will NEVER have money, like real money. I could not even comprehend how to live life with that type of wealth that these people who are involved with this have and why they want more...that's why I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted (YES!!! when do you EVER get to use that in a sentence! WOO!) I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted that this is even an issue to the point of petitions and protests and full out 24 hr news coverage. So I'm going to have to pay more for something that should be granted to all, not just the super rich. So things are going to be regulated, and quantified and my privacy will be in jeopardy. Not surprised in the LEAST, cause that's what happens in this country. And sorry society, once you give into the insane pull this beast the Internet has on you, your privacy is null and void. As mentioned above, irony: lost this girl not...a little Yoda for ya there :)
COME ON FIRST WORLD can we please not be such douche bags? Can we PLEASE stop thinking that our "offense" over something deserves full scale justice? WHO. THE. HELL. CARES. This is it! This is what life is. This is what our country does. We choose to live here because it is not as f*&%ed up as some countries, but lets not pretend it is still not pretty f*&%ed up. So you gotta choose the horrible smelly messed up bad, with the glimmer and hopes of good. That's just the way of it. I suppose 30 something also involves a heightened level of cynicism, or ability to smell bullshit, either work for me.
This brings me to my final point. Rome. Why Rome? Rome was the shit back in the day. Flocks of people wanted to live there, it was brimming with culture and art, new ideas, innovation and technology...but also the most diabolical, corrupt, sick, disgusting society in all of history, thus far. I mean a few spans of time come close to the villainy and debauchery that Rome had back in its hey day, but to me Rome was the worst, and not surprisingly amazingly close to my good 'ole U S of A.
Here's the point: Rome fell. Hard. HARRRRRD! What if its starting to happen now to us in our country? I mean since the introduction of the Internet the world has gone nuts, you know it, I know it. People think they are safe? Nope...viral video that points otherwise. People think they are doing good? Nope...tweet comes out that the motives were selfish AND here is the proof. And you already know my stance on "privacy"
So anyways, the more I hear and see while I check my facebook and e-mail. The more I see on my favorite web sites I visit daily, the more I buy things online, and only text my friends instead of call, all of it makes me think of Rome and how it thought that it was at the tip-top of civilization, it was the badass of badass. Everyone wanted a piece of the good life...but eventually it all came crashing down.
Just like my Internet is apparently about to do.
Yep I said it.
So anyways, moving on...
Summer was...great. I'm sad its over, well not really cause we have some 80 degree days ahead, but it was fun...didn't do as much camping as in prior years but it was still a blast and full of friends and good times. That's why I don't write, I'm not fired up or sad or pissed, I'm too busy having fun...but in the words of my favorite-yet headless-Stark, Winter is coming.
Ahh winter, or "depressions summer" as I just now labeled it (copyright, TM, etc). Where it fights and fights to come out and play. I mean conditions are PERFECT-dark sky's, clouds, rain, gobs of candy with Halloween, massive overeating for Thanksgiving...and Christmas? That's depressions DISNEYLAND (gosh I'm clever) But that's besides the point. The point is I am going to get ahead of the curve on this bad boy and make it my bitch.
Now mind you, I'm still not all "thrilled" to celebrate the holidays...I'm alone, so jealousy runs RAMPANT...babies and weddings and "first this" and (gag me) "that" NOT a fan...but secretly, OK? I love you forever but sometimes I don't know why I have Facebook because its a breading ground for that shit, but who am I kidding, I'm addicted to the audience I have on the one hand, and I get to stay connected to all my wonderful family and friends on the other. Ahh the delicate balance. But don't get it twisted, I know what I'm about and irony is not lost on this girl.
As always I'm going off in another direction...Now don't get me wrong-again, I love you all so much, you don't EVEN know, but I would say that sometimes my DEPRESSION doesn't like you...all that much...during the time we are about to enter.
So this is what I'm going to do. I got a hold of a happy light and will be giving that a shot. (Google it) FOOTBALL is BACK and amidst the scandals, I'm all in. I even got into a fantasy league, but It's numbers and junk but I'm testing it out...AND I'm going to write.
I'll just tell you now, not all of you are going to like it, but it needs to get out so out it will come. It will be cathartic and crazy and I will get through this winter better than I started, that is my goal.
As far as my depression goes I find that if I have something to look forward to, the more my mind is consumed with that, than the pity party I'm trying to host in my head. We have got Oktoberfest coming up...Also going to my 3rd Hawks game early Nov. Then the "West Coast Homecoming" aka Hawks vs Santa Clara on Thanksgiving, that will be EPIC! (again, copyright, TM, etc) So sharing those stories and capturing the memories will be important for the "spirals"
Also I have been listening to and watching a lot of comedy lately, and of coarse, me being me, I now want to be a comedian. I mean I could do it right? I'm funny and while I have not had the most glamorous life, the things Ive been through, situations and events, people I have met, are sometimes hilarious. It feels good to laugh and I know I cant just jump into being a comedian but lets just say I've been missing Comedy Central. Oh the first world problem of only having Internet.
Segue: Speaking of first world problems...
I recently became familiar with the whole "net neutrality" issue...and it pisses me off. Not in the way you may think, in the way I think.
REALLY 'MERICA????? So the fat cats wanna get in on this crazy "free" Internet and start milking that cow...are you not surprised? And spare me the Obama admin crap argument, that's not it. What's IT is that you can not TELL me it would come to this...maybe it a 30 something thing to finally come to the realization that the ones with all the wealth only want one thing: more wealth. As they get down on lower class people for being addicted to drugs, or what ever vice they have, they keep sniffin the money up their noses. I will NEVER have money, like real money. I could not even comprehend how to live life with that type of wealth that these people who are involved with this have and why they want more...that's why I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted (YES!!! when do you EVER get to use that in a sentence! WOO!) I'm almost to the point of flabbergasted that this is even an issue to the point of petitions and protests and full out 24 hr news coverage. So I'm going to have to pay more for something that should be granted to all, not just the super rich. So things are going to be regulated, and quantified and my privacy will be in jeopardy. Not surprised in the LEAST, cause that's what happens in this country. And sorry society, once you give into the insane pull this beast the Internet has on you, your privacy is null and void. As mentioned above, irony: lost this girl not...a little Yoda for ya there :)
COME ON FIRST WORLD can we please not be such douche bags? Can we PLEASE stop thinking that our "offense" over something deserves full scale justice? WHO. THE. HELL. CARES. This is it! This is what life is. This is what our country does. We choose to live here because it is not as f*&%ed up as some countries, but lets not pretend it is still not pretty f*&%ed up. So you gotta choose the horrible smelly messed up bad, with the glimmer and hopes of good. That's just the way of it. I suppose 30 something also involves a heightened level of cynicism, or ability to smell bullshit, either work for me.
This brings me to my final point. Rome. Why Rome? Rome was the shit back in the day. Flocks of people wanted to live there, it was brimming with culture and art, new ideas, innovation and technology...but also the most diabolical, corrupt, sick, disgusting society in all of history, thus far. I mean a few spans of time come close to the villainy and debauchery that Rome had back in its hey day, but to me Rome was the worst, and not surprisingly amazingly close to my good 'ole U S of A.
Here's the point: Rome fell. Hard. HARRRRRD! What if its starting to happen now to us in our country? I mean since the introduction of the Internet the world has gone nuts, you know it, I know it. People think they are safe? Nope...viral video that points otherwise. People think they are doing good? Nope...tweet comes out that the motives were selfish AND here is the proof. And you already know my stance on "privacy"
So anyways, the more I hear and see while I check my facebook and e-mail. The more I see on my favorite web sites I visit daily, the more I buy things online, and only text my friends instead of call, all of it makes me think of Rome and how it thought that it was at the tip-top of civilization, it was the badass of badass. Everyone wanted a piece of the good life...but eventually it all came crashing down.
Just like my Internet is apparently about to do.
Yep I said it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)